Mall Shopper

oh HAAAAY no one, because i haven’t written anything here in months. not that i had many followers anyways, but you know. 

i’m still obese, etc but after 6 weeks of putting off joining the new gym in town, i have taken one step closer beyond exploring their website a billion times, and have made an appt to meet one of their trainers. so tomorrow night i will sign up, spend ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD, get a trainer, and set this bitch in gear. (“this bitch” refers to my plan of becoming a healthy human being)

a few years ago i had a trainer at a gym and i lost ~25lbs. that is the most i have ever lost in life and besides that time have only gained weight since birth basically. it really, really, really needs to stop though. 

i feel pretty good about getting back into the gym routine except that the trainer is a guy. and for whatever bitchass female reason, this intimidates the hell out of me. BUT i will push through the awkwardness of having him see me struggle to walk for 10 mins and see my boobs/vagina sweat, and just move on with my life because this kind of dumb shit CAN’T STOP ME. i have HAVE HAAAAAAVE to get my shit together. for. real. 

i really hope i can pull myself together and make the necessary changes this time. i’m so tired of being tired walking up stairs and of struggling to slide into restaurant booths. FUCK THAT. no more. no moooooore.

OH HEY BLOG!! it’s been what, another month since i posted anything? not much has changed except that i’ve been dog sitting for the past two weeks and they require at least a 20 minute walk everyday. and so i’ve actually been doing it! *applause* at the beginning i could walk for about 7 mins without my lower back being in horrible pain and now i’m up to 15. progress, yes. that’s my biggest issue right now. the pain. not feeling tired or sweating or thinking everyone is staring at me. it’s the blinding pain my body is in because there’s too much of me to drag around. it’s a catch-22. now i just have to keep this up once i’m done dog sitting… sigh.

i had a pretty radical mental breakdown yesterday. the agency i’ve been volunteering with for last couple months hired 3 new people and it made me feel like absolute shit. i have worked my ass off for them and make it clear that i’m still looking for a job, plus they have my resume on file. so i was really hurt that they didn’t even mention it to me. i don’t know the extenuating circumstances because i was a TOTAL STUPID GIRL about it and would have cried if i brought it up with anyone. maybe there’s a good reason they didn’t want to offer me a position or even interview me. maybe there isn’t. either way i was super bummed and when i left the agency a couple hours later i cried in my car. and i mean, cried. like ugly cry. thankfully it was sunny so i could hide behind my sunglasses but i just felt so defeated. i’m miserable not having a job and i’m miserable being obese and i’m miserable because i have no money. it was one of those days where i just let everything pile up in my head and explode out of my eyes in tear-form. i think it’s healthy to break once in awhile and we shouldn’t let everything be pushed aside, but this breakdown caught me off guard. i’ve been decently stable lately and i can’t even remember the last time i cried that hard. it was a doozy!!!

on a happier note my besties gave me a few pep talks and my mom bought me a pretty nail polish. so i’m better today. i’m currently in the process of dying my hair bright red and i have a wicked concert tomorrow night that i’ve been looking forward to for awhile. plus i plan on getting wasted and DANCING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. i think it’ll be a good weekend and i’m hoping my new crazy hair and a night out dressed up with heavy make-up and dancing will heal all my wounds.

at least temporarily. what i really need is a job and some will power. but unfortunately i can’t buy those at walmart.

Kasia from america’s next top model cycle 16 is like, my DREAM. she’s freakin flawless.

ps don’t judge my shitty tv show choices.

MFP finally came out with a blackberry app. YESSSS. AND i actually used it today!!! i was over my calorie goal but frankly at this point i’m only looking to achieve small goals. i gotta get my head in the right place. day by day. sigh.

i have pinpointed the main things deterring my success in weight loss so now i must figure out ways to combat them.

1. i’m horribly embarrassed working out. i’ve mentioned before that i was using my friend’s condo building gym because i’m unemployed and need somewhere free to go. but it’s not enough. they only have a treadmill, elliptical, and one weight machine so i’m so booooored. i haven’t gone in a few weeks because i dread it so much. i’ve convinced myself that i must splurge and get a gym membership. i had a gym membership a few years ago and even had a personal trainer for 8 weeks. i did SO well with that. i lost 20 pounds which is the most i’ve ever lost on purpose. when i think back to that time i actually enjoyed going to the gym - particularly weights and the abductor. i love the abductor machine lol. it’s so awkward but also awesome because i have really strong legs. anyways….. my problem with the gym is that i am so embarrassed to go. WHY!??! this makes NO logical sense. on any level. i should be more embarrassed walking around walmart looking the way i do than being at a gym with other people working on their fitness. it is so nonsensical but i can’t seem to shake the feeling of horror every time i think about the gym. i know that people don’t care about what i’m doing but for some reason when it comes to the gym, i totally think everyone is judging me. but so what if they are? UGH. i am so ridiculous.
2. i’m a picky eater. even more than the gym, this is my biggest obstacle. i hate to say it because i’m 25 years old but i am such a picky eater. i like to eat what tastes good and the only things that taste good to me are shitty foods. why would i force peppers and fish down my throat when burgers are so delicious? it’s a shitty way to live and i desperately wish i enjoyed more foods. sigh.
3. it hurts. working out right now is god damn painful. my back hurts and i’m grossly sweaty and it’s hard to breathe. i know the only way to get away from those things is to keep working but OOOOWWWWWW. this shit is not easy.

so those are the main things holding me back. i’m also lazy and a procrastinator but moreso the three list items are my biggest downfall. hopefully now that i’ve identified on paper (er, computer screen) what my challenges are, i’ll be able to attack them…. i don’t know. i’m frustrated with myself. wah.

i can’t even believe how long it’s been since i even logged into this tumblr account. i completely 100% abandoned it. i’ve been in a major life rut and as such did not feel like having anything to do with getting healthy. i have been so epically bad for the past month that i don’t even want to think about it. shit food, not working out, sleeping in…… i’ve been a mess. it sucks that i’m so miserable being this big but my brain is just not cooperating with my heart. i need a kick in the ass but i don’t know where to get it from and i don’t know how to make this a priority in my life. i’m just so frustrated with myself. it’s disheartening.

i’m going to go wallow a bit more now.

early this morning (far before my awakening), the plows came to clear our roads. who parks on the street? oh yes, that would be me. so a mountain of snow was added to the mountain of snow already on and around my car… it took me exactly 31 minutes to shovel my car out of its snowy grave today. 31 fucking minutes. and i’m not gonna lie. i was EXHAUSTED after that. no wonder old people die doing that shit! hooooly. so then i went inside (to the warmth) and did some yoga. tomorrow, gym. no more snow in the forcast, car isn’t stuck, no more excuses, no more substitutes. tis time!

and as a final note, an amazing jezebel article about women’s fitness mags: http://jezebel.com/#!5753287/womens-fitness-magazines-are-bullshit

WELL my car got buried in snow. literally, buried. i park on the street and with the fallen snow plus the snow produced by the plows, i was stuck. but on the bright side, i busted out my skipping rope and my wii, and did some at home workouts today. it was a really random assortment of fitness activities. can i just say skipping is really effing hard?!?! when i was in grade 4 i was in the skipping club (cool, i know) and i loved skipping! but now. jesus. that was NOT a good time. but i did feel better after. long after…. the only thing i really missed is not having weights. i tried soup cans but it’s just not the same. weight training is really the only part of working out that i truly enjoy at this point. i love the muscle burn!

tomorrow my work out will be digging my car out. gooooood times.